


I Hoped You Would Fall For Me

by flyboi_writer



Series: Falling [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Chakotay Bashing, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Weddings, You Just Kinda Feel Bad For The Guy, but kindly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:54:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27142070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyboi_writer/pseuds/flyboi_writer
Summary: Being a first officer is difficult.  Being in love with your commanding officer doesn't make it any easier.  Especially when she is in love with someone else.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway (one sided), Kathryn Janeway/Seven of Nine
Series: Falling [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1992403
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	I Hoped You Would Fall For Me

**Author's Note:**

> I've always found the "Chakotay is in love with Janeway but Janeway is in love with Seven" trope HILARIOUS for some reason, so I used it as an excuse to write some angst. Someone give this man a hug...

Standing in front of the mirror, he stared at his reflection and at the unclasped dress uniform that rested somewhat uncomfortably on his body. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Chakotay finished buttoning up his uniform. Each button click reminded him that he was about to face, what he considered to be, one of the most painful and ironic events he would ever experience. Of course, he had to be the first officer. And of course, he had to go and fall in love with his commanding officer, his captain, his _friend_. And now, he found himself getting ready to officiate her wedding. A wedding where she was not marrying him. A wedding where she was marrying Seven of Nine.

As he put his pips on, he recalled (with some bitterness) the day that Janeway had told him about her relationship with the resident ex-Borg.

_The day had been rather calm. No red alerts, no contact with any alien vessels, and, Chakotay noticed as he checked his computer, it was Friday. The idea of leaving his office and wandering around the ship until his duty shift was over was tempting and he was just getting out of his chair when the door chimed. After allowing entrance, the short figure of Kathryn Janeway strode through the door. He grinned and sat back down in his seat, offering her the chair opposite him._

_“Hello, Captain. How can I help you?”_

_“At ease, Chakotay. No need to be overly formal.” She took a seat in the chair he had offered, “I just came here to see if you wanted to go over the crew reports early.”_

_He thought about the offer. Crew reports were no fun however the thought of spending time with Kathryn made them easier._

_“The last one just came in. I’d love to.”_

_They say in silence for a bit with only the occasional snort of laughter or annoyance. Eventually, Chakotay put down his last PADD and watched the captain finish hers._

_“Would you like something to drink?” He asked, as she put down her PADD and rubbed her eyes._

_“Coffee, please.”_

_“Are you sure you should be drinking one this late? Surely it can’t be good for you!” He exclaimed, handing her the coffee in the special cup he always kept for her._

_Janeway laughed and sipped the drink._

_“Don’t worry. I’m used to it. The worst that could happen is that the Doctor will yell at me or Seven will-“. She stopped abruptly and took a large swig, ignoring the burning sensation in her throat._

_Ignoring the abrupt way she had cut off her sentence, he wandered over to the couch, Kathryn close behind him. They stood side by side, sipping their drinks and staring out at the stars. Chakotay turned ever so slightly to get a better look at the captain. He found himself once more transfixed by how the low glimmer of the stars glinted through her eyelashes and rested on her eyes, giving her a mystical or almost ethereal look._

_“Kathryn? I have a question...”. He was feeling rather brave, willing to ask questions he wouldn’t frequently ask._

_“Yes, Chakotay?” She gazed at him with the look she always gave him. The look, he was sure, of love._

_“Do you remember when we were stuck on New Earth? When we thought we were going to have to be there forever?”_

_Janeway let out a bark of laughter._

_“How can I forget that!”_

_“Yes... I was wondering, on one of the last nights we were there, I told you a story, a legend if you will. And then I reached out and you-“_

_“Wait, Commander.” She said sharply, cutting him off, “If you are going to say what I think you’re going to say, I’m going to put this out now. I don’t- I don’t love you, Chakotay. Not like that. I don’t know what happened on the planet, but it isn’t how I felt then or how I feel now.” She placed her cup on a side table and began pacing around the office. “It’s not you, Commander. I-“ she stopped and looked Chakotay dead in the eyes, “I’m in a relationship with Seven of Nine.”_

_Chakotay nearly burst into laughter, but his initial shock quickly dissipated after what she said registered in his brain. His face went slack, and his mug started shaking. He placed it down and gripped the arm of the sofa._

_“Really? Are you serious?”_

_“Yes, Chakotay, I’m serious. We haven’t told anyone, and I expect you not to mention it. We will tell people when we are ready, but now is not the time.”_

_He was sitting on the couch now, head half cradled in his hands._

_“Oh... I’m, I’m happy for you, Kathryn. I’m sure she makes you very happy.”_

_Janeway grinned and sat down next to her first officer._

_“We don’t need to talk about this. I don’t particularly want to. You’re my friend, and I don’t care how you feel about me. I just ask that you respect Seven and me. For her sake.”_

_Chakotay nodded dumbly and continued to stare at the ground._

_“I’m sorry, Commander. I’ll see you later.”_

He opened his eyes once more and found himself gripping the edge of the sink tightly. His knuckles were white, and he spent a minute or two staring at them, watching the blood run back into his hands once he released the appliance. A little chime from his bedroom signaled him to get going. Jumping a little, he made his way out of his quarters and towards the turbo-lift. He made the trip automatically, mechanically, walking down the hallways, barking at the computer to take him to the mess hall. He let his mind wander once more, this time to the day Kathryn told him she was engaged.

_He hadn’t seen Kathryn all morning, although it wasn’t uncommon now. He would often wake up and head straight to his office for a brief breakfast of tea and an apple while going over reports from the delta shift. He would then make his way to the bridge where he would either find her in her chair or her ready room. Today, however, he had just gotten his food from the replicator when the familiar door chime rang out._

_“Enter.” He said plainly, albeit slightly confused at who would come to see him this early. Much to his delight, it was the captain, strolling in, almost gliding across the floor._

_“Hello, Chakotay!” She said jovially, leaning across the seat to peck him on the cheek._

_He went slightly red, much to his embarrassment. He had told Janeway a few days after the rather disastrous conversation in his office that he no longer harbored feelings for her. That was a blatant lie of course, and now, almost three years later, he felt no different. Still ridiculously in love with his captain._

_“Hello, Kathryn. What can I do for you today?” He answered, hopefully sounding as happy as she did._

_Janeway sat down in her usual chair and propped her elbows on the desk, resting her chin on the palm of her hand._

_“You know, Chakotay, when I got that letter from Mark, I never thought that I would be able to find love after that.”_

_Chakotay’s stomach lurched when he heard those words. He remembered the surge of happiness he felt when she told him Mark had given up on her. He felt awful about it, but there was this tiny voice in his head telling him that he should shoot his shot. A few weeks after that came the awkward talk in the office, and the little glimmer of hope he acquired from the letter disappeared._

_“I want to tell you something, Chakotay. You’re the first person I’m telling.”_

_Carefully, she reached down under her turtleneck and pulled out a chain. The commander’s breath hitched for a second as he saw the exposed slit of skin. He felt like a schoolboy who had just started to notice girls. It was ridiculous. Kathryn pulled the chain out from under her uniform and held it in her hand._

_“What’s tha-“ He stooped. It was a ring. A diamond ring, glinting under the lights of his quarters._

_“Seven proposed last night.”_

_Chakotay forced a happy smile onto his face._

_“That’s wonderful! I’m very happy for you.”_

_Janeway smiled and tugged the ring of the chain and slid it onto his finger. Chakotay, transfixed by the simple motion, almost groaned. God, why couldn’t that be him? Why couldn’t it be him slipping that ring onto her finger, proclaiming his love for her while she melted into his arms? It took a second before he realized that she was speaking._

_“-made it herself. She crafted the band out of an old Borg implant and replicated the diamond. She said she had been planning this whole thing for months. Designing the ring and the holodeck program. She even asked Tuvok for permission to marry me!” Janeway sighed happily, “We’ve talked about marriage. I told her that after my two other failed engagements, I didn’t want to be engaged again, so if we were going to get married, she was going to be the one to propose. I never thought she’d do it.” Janeway said, admiring the ring as it shimmered in the light._

_Chakotay nodded absentmindedly, still imagining slipping a ring on her finger._

_“We haven’t told anyone else yet, Chakotay.” Her voice became severe quickly, her command mask dropping into place. “We plan on telling our friends during the senior staff briefing today. You and Tuvok are the only ones who know.” Her voice softened, “I know you wouldn’t, but we’d both appreciate you not making any gestures or special looks before we tell anyone. Let’s try and keep gossiping to a minimum.”_

_Chakotay nodded, determined to keep the secret._

_“Thank you. And one more thing. As I’m sure you know, the Captain of the vessel is authorized to ordain; however, if the captain is the one getting married, then that duty falls to the first officer. I’ll leave you to think about it for now. I have to be on the bridge.”_

_She smiled at him one last time before exiting his office. Chakotay slumped forwards, knocking his tea off the desk. This was just great._

Now he found himself standing outside the door to the mess hall. He was unsure how long he had been standing there, but obviously long enough as he was getting strange glances from passing crew members. Taking a deep breath, he entered the room.

It wasn’t overly decorated. It wasn’t, Chakotay noticed, really decorated at all. There was an arch that he knew Neelix had cobbled together at the last moment. There were some champagne flutes and snack trays on the counter, and of course, the tables were removed, and the chairs rearranged to face the altar. All the guests were huddled in groups, Tom, B’Elanna, and Harry were standing in the center of the aisle loudly debating something about warp cores. Neelix and the Doctor were in a corner, quietly discussing something. Finally, his eyes wandered over to Janeway and Tuvok, who were standing in front of a window, silently gazing at the stars. Chakotay’s eyes raked over Janeway, following the curve of her hip up to her head. She had done something to her formal uniform, made it tighter somehow, more form-fitting. He continued to stare at her until Neelix noticed him and loudly called out his name.

“Ah! Commander! You’re just on time!”

All the heads in the room turned and Chakotay found himself staring directly into Janeway’s eyes. A little lump in his throat formed at the sight of her. This was going to be more difficult than he expected it to be. She smiled and beckoned him towards her but he was intercepted by B’Elanna who dragged him into the kitchen, away from everyone else. 

B’Elanna leaned up against the counter and stared at him worriedly, her usual expression of severity gone.

“Are you okay, Chakotay?” She asked, placing a hand softly on his arm.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He turned away, staring at a pot that hung on the wall.

“Don’t pull that on me, Chakotay. I know you and I know how you feel about Janeway.”

He glared at her, his face reddening from embarrassment.

“You can ask Tuvok to take over.” She offered, “I can make up some excuse that would call you to the bridge or engineering.”

He shook his head.

“It wouldn’t be right, I promised Kathryn I would do this. I have to do this, B’Elanna.”

He returned to the mess hall, leaving her standing in the alcove with a look of pity etched on her face. He did have to do this. For Janeway and for himself.

He stood stoically at the altar as the guests mingled around the room waiting for Seven to arrive. Every so often B’Elanna or Tom would come by and pat his shoulder gently in a gesture of kindness which he found neither comforting nor pleasant. As the minutes dragged by, he was starting to wonder if Seven would ever show up and an unpleasant sensation of hope began to swell in his chest. Maybe Seven had become too nervous and had bailed on the wedding and was now getting into a shuttlecraft to flee the ship. Or maybe something had gone wrong with her dress and they would cancel the wedding. No, no that hadn’t happened. He shook the thought out of his head and stared forwards, occasionally glancing towards Kathryn as she paced in front of the windows, eyes glued on the door. 

Moments later, Samantha Wildman strode through the doors, smiling, and nodded towards Neelix. Excitedly, he ushered people towards their seats while shooing Janeway towards the altar.

“Hello, Chakotay.” She said quietly, finally getting the chance to talk to him, “Thank you for doing this.”

“It was my pleasure, Captain.”

Harry struck up the traditional wedding march accompanied by a few other musical crew members and everyone turned to face the doors. They slid open and Naomi Wildman skipped through, tossing flower petals and letting them flutter gently towards the ground. She handed Chakotay a little box that held the rings and after hugging the Captain’s leg, she hurried over to her mother's side just in time to watch Seven emerge from the doorway. She was dressed in a plain white dress that fluttered around her as she walked. Janeway, along with everyone else in the room, was staring as Seven made her way up to the altar, nodded at Chakotay, and smiled shyly at her soon-to-be wife. Janeway took Seven’s hands in hers and beamed at the ex-borg.

“Hello, Seven.”

He delivered the ceremony with as much false exuberance as he could muster hoping that he seemed genuinely excited for this moment. He was excited, to some degree at least. He loved Kathryn and he wanted her to be happy, yet he couldn’t help the knot of jealousy that settled into his stomach as Janeway slid the golden band onto Seven’s finger. Or the shiver of disappointment that ran down his spine as Janeway uttered her vows. What he was feeling was wrong and he knew it. Her happiness was paramount to him and he knew that he could never make her as happy as Seven of Nine made her. And so, with a fake smile plastered across his face, he proclaimed the words that felt like a knife to the heart,

“And by the power temporarily vested in me by the United Federation of Planets, I now pronounce you partners in marriage.”

He clapped along with the rest of the group as the two women kissed and was the first to offer his congratulations to the newlywed couple.

“Thank you, Chakotay. You’re a great friend.” She whispered, kissing him on the cheek before being swept away into the crowd. 

He stood at the podium, champagne glass clutched tightly in his fist, accepting the compliments of a job well done. His cheek still burned from where Janeway had planted the kiss and wished for nothing more than to flee the room and retreat to his quarters. He spied B’Elanna standing at the other end of the room, gesturing at Tuvok who was making his way over to where Chakotay was standing. 

“Commander, there are some late crew reports which require your immediate attention. I suggest you address them at once.” He stated. 

He was speaking louder than one would during a private conversation, Chakotay noticed. Confused, he opened his mouth to ask a clarifying question but B’Elanna appeared, with an exasperated look on her face, and cut him off before he could continue.

“Go, Chakotay. This isn’t going to be fun for you or anyone else if you stay. We’ll cover for you.” She gestured towards herself and Tuvok before placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Chakotay? I’m sorry. I really am.”

He brushed her off, exiting the mess hall, not bothering to say goodbye to the Captain.

He arrived at his quarters and ripped his comm badge and pips off as he sunk into a chair. His emotions were swirling furiously around in his head. Anger, jealousy, disappointment, _heartbreak_. It was too much to handle. He never knew someone could feel so much at one time. Running a hand through his hair, he let the feelings wash over him in a cascade of emotions. He could feel the salty tears run down his face and through his fingers as he cradled his head in his hands. Wiping his cheeks on his sleeve, he collapsed on his bed, exhausted. Exhausted from holding so much in when he shouldn’t have done so. Exhausted from letting it all out until he couldn’t feel anymore. Exhausted from being alone for so long and from knowing that he would be alone for a long time to come. Staring at the ceiling, he surrendered to the exhaustion and let it lull him into a numb sleep, unwilling and unwanting to feel anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I took some liberties here... I know Starfleet probably doesn't have a Sunday-Saturday kind of schedule but they must have some days off (it is Starfleet after all). And some of Chakotay's actions may seem a bit strange but its all for the a n g s t kids so I let it slide. Comments, kudos, and constructive criticism appreciated! Oh, and I may write a second part to this in Janeway's POV but,,,, we'll see.


End file.
